that's where I'm a viking! @ 02:05 am
When talking goes bad:
I feel my grasp on communication slipping away - not so much the words as the connotations when the words are put together; the inferences that I make - or fail to make - are completely at odds with how they're understood. My chain of reasoning gets myopic, I can't go any farther than what the words literally mean. At the same time, I see the person whom I'm talking to getting upset, and the more I talk the worse it becomes. Soon it hits the boiling point - I can no longer stand my own lack of communication, my empathy perhaps getting in the way. I have to withdraw, to remove myself, to stop things from getting any worse. I'm not quite sobbing yet, the little rational part makes sure everything is ready before I do that: my shoes are off, my snotrag is at hand, the blankets to muffle my noise are there. I lie down, and cover myself, bury my face into my pillow, and whimper. It's a few sobs at first, staccato and unsure, but it soon becomes regular: breathe, wail, choke up, breathe. Sometimes I start watching myself then. Sometimes the voice of me asks what happened, why am I crying, when will it end? These days, it's often too painful; it stays quiet. That's when the screeching begins - no longer a cry, no longer anything but some weird primate call, raw, too sad and slow to be a scream. The voice usually wakes up for this, marveling at the monkey sounds, wondering how my throat opens up to howl like it does. Sometimes it can tell what I'm really upset about, sometimes it can't. When it does, relief is in sight, there's some sort of reconciliation? resolution? ahead. When it doesn't, I howl and cry and howl until I'm too drained and exhausted to do anything but lie there and wonder why I do all this - or fall dead asleep without even that.