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moof's prattling

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December 10th, 2003

more woe, film at 11 @ 07:42 pm

Current Mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable
Current Music: TMBG, Mammal

I was talking online to a friend of mine, when she lightly teased me a bit. Being Mr. Straight Man, I didn't recognize it for what it was and answered straightforwardly. She told me she was kidding, and had been curious to know what my response would be. I instantly turned bright red and replied with something clever like "oh." I sat there, feeling ashamed and stupid, trying to regain my composure and not getting anywhere, when my typing break window popped up. I fled to the bathroom, sat in the stall, and cried silently for ten or fifteen minutes. During this, the logical part of my brain that gets split off and watches me when I cry asked "why now? why this much? why am I doing this?"

I washed my face, made it back to my computer without encountering anybody (thank god; I'd have acted like a small terrified animal), made my excuses, and went to my car. I could let the mask drop once I pulled out onto the street, and my face contorted up again. The quiet part in my head asked, "why don't I remember this?" which gave me pause.

I can remember an awful lot of embarassing moments in detail, from preschool on forward. I didn't remember anything about being ashamed at not recognizing teasing. I remembered a few times where I felt dumb at not getting something, but it was unfocused and confused, flat. Most of my feelings from before high school were like that. They weren't connected to what happened, they just sorta diffused out.

I think that between my emotional meltdown last year and the neural rewiring from Wellbutrin, I'm somehow better able to associate interpersonal social events with emotion. I know that it's loosened the chains that held my ADD in check (and most of my emotions as well); it wouldn't surprise me if there were more subtle effects going on, too. If so, it's not surprising I've been so damn upset at so many things and reacting all out of proportion to what's happened: it's effectively the first time I've experienced them as such. It'd explain a lot of things.

It's a nice rationalization, anyway.

 
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(no subject) - (Anonymous)
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From:moof
Date:December 10th, 2003 11:02 pm (UTC)
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The way I can best describe the effects of the medication I'm taking:

You have a volume knob. It goes from 1-11 (one more, you see.) Unfortunately, 1 is at the beginning, 2 is 90% of the way around, and the rest of the numbers are squeezed in the little tiny space that's remaining. You can go from pleasant to ENTIRELY TOO LOUD without much impetus.
Meds spread the numbers out more evenly; you can still get to 11, but it's a much smoother and less unexpected trip getting there.
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From:aceofkittens
Date:December 10th, 2003 10:11 pm (UTC)
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{{{{{{{Moof}}}}}}}}

That is all.
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From:moof
Date:December 11th, 2003 12:03 am (UTC)
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I'm not sure if this means I have wings, short curlies, or something else.
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From:aceofkittens
Date:December 11th, 2003 12:39 am (UTC)
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That means I'm hugging you! Those { are all my arms and Moof is inside the circle.

Um... I guess I am some kind of demented, mutated octopus...
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From:moof
Date:December 11th, 2003 12:56 am (UTC)
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I've always had a thing for tentacles.
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From:aceofkittens
Date:December 11th, 2003 01:18 am (UTC)

If I were a Deep One...

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Tentacles! Cthulhu! Tentacles!
Tentacles! Cthulhu! Tentacles!


If you haven't heard A Shoggoth on the Roof, I will burn you a copy. :)
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From:moof
Date:December 11th, 2003 11:38 am (UTC)

Re: If I were a Deep One...

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Oooh! That sounds rad!
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From:kaligrrrl
Date:December 11th, 2003 12:14 am (UTC)
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oh.
I feel really terrible.
please forgive me. :(
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From:moof
Date:December 11th, 2003 12:55 am (UTC)
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It's OK; it's not your fault. It was mostly accumulated stress from work. Even while I was upset, I knew I was overreacting; and both then and now, none of what was going on was directed towards (or thought to be because of) you.

(Of course, right after I got the notification that you replied, my computer decides to fall off the network for 45m. I'd have popped online to see if you were on AIM/YIM, but this damn thing's so flaky right now it'd only be aggravation.)

For what it's worth, I'm looking forward to this weekend, if you're still game for it.
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From:kaligrrrl
Date:December 11th, 2003 12:59 am (UTC)
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actually, I immediately got in the bath, so you wouldn't have gotten me.

of course I'm still game for this weekend!

I just...feel bad that you feel bad.
I'll be extra careful about teasing from now on.
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From:sarz
Date:December 11th, 2003 03:41 am (UTC)
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was it something I said?
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From:moof
Date:December 11th, 2003 10:24 am (UTC)
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Nope, wasn't you.
It wasn't even the EVIL TRAP!
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From:sarz
Date:December 11th, 2003 11:56 am (UTC)
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PHEW! I was worried it was something that i predicted, or said, or did, or something!
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From:subtly_modded
Date:December 11th, 2003 08:48 am (UTC)
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i'm all up with the tentacle hugs.

{{{{{hug}}}}}

moof's prattling

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