grand moof tarkin (moof) wrote,
grand moof tarkin
moof

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more woe, film at 11

I was talking online to a friend of mine, when she lightly teased me a bit. Being Mr. Straight Man, I didn't recognize it for what it was and answered straightforwardly. She told me she was kidding, and had been curious to know what my response would be. I instantly turned bright red and replied with something clever like "oh." I sat there, feeling ashamed and stupid, trying to regain my composure and not getting anywhere, when my typing break window popped up. I fled to the bathroom, sat in the stall, and cried silently for ten or fifteen minutes. During this, the logical part of my brain that gets split off and watches me when I cry asked "why now? why this much? why am I doing this?"

I washed my face, made it back to my computer without encountering anybody (thank god; I'd have acted like a small terrified animal), made my excuses, and went to my car. I could let the mask drop once I pulled out onto the street, and my face contorted up again. The quiet part in my head asked, "why don't I remember this?" which gave me pause.

I can remember an awful lot of embarassing moments in detail, from preschool on forward. I didn't remember anything about being ashamed at not recognizing teasing. I remembered a few times where I felt dumb at not getting something, but it was unfocused and confused, flat. Most of my feelings from before high school were like that. They weren't connected to what happened, they just sorta diffused out.

I think that between my emotional meltdown last year and the neural rewiring from Wellbutrin, I'm somehow better able to associate interpersonal social events with emotion. I know that it's loosened the chains that held my ADD in check (and most of my emotions as well); it wouldn't surprise me if there were more subtle effects going on, too. If so, it's not surprising I've been so damn upset at so many things and reacting all out of proportion to what's happened: it's effectively the first time I've experienced them as such. It'd explain a lot of things.

It's a nice rationalization, anyway.

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