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moof's prattling

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November 12th, 2003

panicy kernels @ 12:46 am

Current Mood: drained drained
Current Music: Underworld, Dark and Long

I went up to the city this evening for a viewing of the pretty damn awful movie Star Crash to celebrate the delightful subtly_modded's birthday. Bunches of people I know and like (and hadn't seen for far too long) were there, and much fun was had by all.

That said, I was feeling sorta strange before the movie started, for no particular reason I could discern. Eventually I figured out that I was observing my own social behavior and was weirded out by how different it was than everyone else's. The movie started before not too long, however, so everything was fine. Afterwards, though, the strange feelings returned pretty quickly. People were chatting with each other, talking, and so on, and I felt completely at a loss as to what to do - if I should attempt to strike up conversation with people or something. I realized then that this was a very typical behavior/feeling for me, and I simply hadn't noticed it before. I was going to go home and crash, but I then realized I had no idea how I was going to bid adieu to the crowd. I started to get distressed and panicy at the distress, but as other people were also leaving, I grabbed on to their coattails and bid farewells and made it outside to my car without breaking down.

It was especially disturbing because these were people I've known, liked, and chatted online with for years and they were about as comfortable a social group as I can get. My psych diagnosed me with Asperger's Syndrome about a month ago, and while I knew that I had a lot of the behaviors - avoiding people's gaze and/or staring at them too intently, uncomfort in large social groups, poor ability to make conversation, not knowing what to do as the focus of attention - I hadn't realized they were quite that heavily ingrained and that they manifest even with pretty close friends. I hadn't realized quite how intimidated I get by socializing. I don't know how many more personality surprises I have in store for myself.

 
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From:elegantelbow
Date:November 12th, 2003 02:19 am (UTC)
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It's ok to just say goodbye to one or two people. The best choice is one of the hosts.

It sounds like you did just fine.

BTW, I can't tell you how much help you were to me today. Getting perl to make makefiles correctly was (obviously) a huge step in the right direction. Thanks again.
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From:icis_machine
Date:November 12th, 2003 03:42 am (UTC)
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my friend works with a lot of children with asperger's in the area. did they say you had a mild or extreme case?

she says a lot of the uneasiness is tied to past experiences where you were critized for not socializing acceptably. we both agreed that if you notice the you are doing these things, it is probably a mild or misdiagnosised case. i would seriously consider a second opinion if this is the case.

personally i've never noticed anything of the sort in you. you conversed just fine each time i've seen you.
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From:moof
Date:November 12th, 2003 10:31 am (UTC)
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Oh, it's definitely not severe if I have it; if anything, the outgoing tendencies of my ADD combat it. It's the schism between the two tendencies that's really upsetting.
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From:subtly_modded
Date:November 12th, 2003 02:02 pm (UTC)
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(big hug) i'm so happy you came out, Moof. i realize the drive was looooong.

ya know, i've noticed myself starting to get weirdly uncomfortable in crowds lately, and like you, they're crowds of my friends. it's twinges of weird feeling at the moment, but i'm afraid of it growing into something that really debilitates me.

(shrug) just kinda shrugging it off at the moment and trying to relax. i truly don't think that i have a syndrome or anything...at least...not that syndrome. heh. drome. what a weird end to a word.

(more big hugs because i'm glad to seeeee youuuuuu)
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From:moof
Date:November 12th, 2003 04:04 pm (UTC)
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yeah, it was really nice to see you. I don't do so nearly often enough.

as far as drome goes - long live the new flesh!

moof's prattling

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