grand moof tarkin (moof) wrote,
grand moof tarkin

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I was at the live-action game that I go to on Friday nights, waiting for things to get started and just walking in small circles aimlessly by myself when depression came crashing down on me. Everybody I wanted to talk to I had either already talked to or was busy off with other people and I was standing very much alone in a crowd of people. I tried to participate for a while, but then lost track of folks, couldn't find anybody, and so drove home. I was close to bawling in the car; by the time I got home, even though I curled up all foetal to try and assuage the pain, tears wouldn't come. I'm just sad and numb now, which I suppose is OK.

What I mostly feel right now is the aching in my stomach, a very palpable sensation. It's very similar to what I felt before passing out from to the physical pain in my ankle last week. It insistently hurts, acting as if there's something I should actively be doing for it, poking its way into my consciousness whether I want it to or not. I had wondered why my stomach had been vaguely achy all week; this may be why. I thought I was deeply depressed last Saturday only because I was shut-in and unable to be social; I suspect now that it was waiting to happen and it's re-emerging now. (It would also explain why I've been so listless and unable to concentrate at work, too.)

That's the other problem with chronic depression - you get used to the pain, inured to it, but it still hurts just as much. And occasionally crashes in all at once.

I can't sleep, I can't cry, I can't do much of anything right now; I guess I'll go watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games on the idiot box.


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