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moof's prattling


May 15th, 2003

What the hell I was talking about in my last post @ 02:40 am

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable
Current Music: Lost Highway OST, David Bowie, I'm Deranged

I've got to be up in about five hours to walk to the train station, catch Caltrain to the shuttle bus, take the shuttle bus to the airport, and then fly to Chicago (two hours after I left) - so, naturally, I'm making a LJ post before I crash.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have ADD. The relevance here is that while I'm fabulous at reading emotional cues, I have incredible difficulty picking up social cues - both positive and negative. This means that unless people are pretty blatantly obvious about their inclinations or intentions, I tend to get a general feeling of indifference off of an awful lot of folks. This is not exactly a confidence booster, especially as us he-man menfolk are expected most of the time to initiate contact in datingesque situations, and apathy doesn't warm the soul.

I've been undergoing a whole bunch of self-identity shifting over the past bunch of months, and a part that's as-yet remained pretty fallow is 'dating'. I've gone on remarkably few dates with people I haven't known well; probably less than ten, with maybe six people in toto. Now, my self-confidence in dealing with people has historically been pretty fucking awful; a bunch of it is the not noticing cues mentioned above, and a large hunk of it is depression. I don't get ashamed of having depression, but showing any indication of it to people - hoo. As I hadn't thought my self-worth was terribly good, and that showing signs of emotional stress would only sink me further, my typical reaction to being depressed was to withdraw from everyone and suffer alone - while wanting all the while to be comforted and to be social.

This segues into the present situation: I'm feeling a hell of a lot better about myself, have more confidence, have been getting compliments about my appearance et al - and, well, I want more intimate one-on-one contact with people. Talking, snogging, sex, the whole nine yards - this generally means dating. There's all sorts of self-image 'n' identity issues tied up with all of that. (There's lots of gender issues too, but that's for another post.) As I'm well on the road to coping with my ADD, that pretty much leaves the social/identity issues front and center and begging for attention. Being depressed complicates things even more, because it exacerbates the problem I'm trying to deal with - but I don't see much of an alternative to trying to deal with the problem head on (by jumping into the testes-shrinking-cold dating pool.)

So, that's where I am right now. I think.

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Date:May 19th, 2003 03:49 pm (UTC)
If it makes you feel any better, people who do not have ADD and who are not clinically depressed can be terrible at reading signs and feeling secure about themselves in dating situations. High school aside (where that happens pretty much daily) a lot of us feel that way.

Of all the men I've had an honest-to-god (okay, maybe not god, since there was sex involved) relationship with, 7 of 8 were friends first, then lovers. I just don't feel comfortable with people I don't know. If you're worth being my friend, then you're worth sleeping with. I just take it carefully so the friendships aren't spoiled too badly if things don't work out.

I know, I'm married, I probably shouldn't still be speaking in the present tense. But I do; keeps me on my toes. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be lost by him, either.

Good luck.
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Date:May 19th, 2003 10:59 pm (UTC)
All the people with whom I've had intimate relations have been friends. And on the contrary, I think it's quite good that you talk about such things in the present tense; I think it makes you more aware of it, makes you see what's in front of you right now.

moof's prattling