What the hell I was talking about in my last post @ 02:40 am
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have ADD. The relevance here is that while I'm fabulous at reading emotional cues, I have incredible difficulty picking up social cues - both positive and negative. This means that unless people are pretty blatantly obvious about their inclinations or intentions, I tend to get a general feeling of indifference off of an awful lot of folks. This is not exactly a confidence booster, especially as us he-man menfolk are expected most of the time to initiate contact in datingesque situations, and apathy doesn't warm the soul.
I've been undergoing a whole bunch of self-identity shifting over the past bunch of months, and a part that's as-yet remained pretty fallow is 'dating'. I've gone on remarkably few dates with people I haven't known well; probably less than ten, with maybe six people in toto. Now, my self-confidence in dealing with people has historically been pretty fucking awful; a bunch of it is the not noticing cues mentioned above, and a large hunk of it is depression. I don't get ashamed of having depression, but showing any indication of it to people - hoo. As I hadn't thought my self-worth was terribly good, and that showing signs of emotional stress would only sink me further, my typical reaction to being depressed was to withdraw from everyone and suffer alone - while wanting all the while to be comforted and to be social.
This segues into the present situation: I'm feeling a hell of a lot better about myself, have more confidence, have been getting compliments about my appearance et al - and, well, I want more intimate one-on-one contact with people. Talking, snogging, sex, the whole nine yards - this generally means dating. There's all sorts of self-image 'n' identity issues tied up with all of that. (There's lots of gender issues too, but that's for another post.) As I'm well on the road to coping with my ADD, that pretty much leaves the social/identity issues front and center and begging for attention. Being depressed complicates things even more, because it exacerbates the problem I'm trying to deal with - but I don't see much of an alternative to trying to deal with the problem head on (by jumping into the testes-shrinking-cold dating pool.)
So, that's where I am right now. I think.