grand moof tarkin (moof) wrote,
grand moof tarkin

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Two weeks later...

I've been terribly remiss in updating my LJ, especially after the wonderfully kind notes of encouragement you all have given me. I've attempted to write many times over the past fortnight something coherent to sum up what I've been feeling as of late, but nothing seemed to gel. This entry may not either, but at least it's something.

Posting that last entry made me realize just how divided my attitudes towards getting attention are. I've always been tremendously shy, and rather intimidated at meeting new people. Part of this is not knowing what to do with people's attention once I had it, and why - or if - I wanted it in the first place. Those questions are still mostly unanswered for me, but my self-worth and mental well-being is more tied up with it than I had admitted.

I helped throw a party this weekend, and indulged in MDMA to try and figure out where my seeds of doubt were sewn. Most of the depression I've had as of late has been triggered by social concerns, and so the party (where the floor was festooned with carpet foam and fluff and soft things everywhere, and every single person there was a friend of a friend - and likely under altered consciousness themselves) seemed like a safe and appropriate place to do so. I can't say that much in the way of firm conclusions made itself known; I did come back with the helpful tidbit that my fears, while triggers for depression, are not the basis of the depression itself (kinda oddly comforting), and the sense of emotional closure with Laura was also very gratifying. A friend said that I seemed more like me than I had for quite a while, so perhaps I'm coming to deal with things.

I went to see a psychiatrist today; I was quite happy to find out that she's not a pusher, and is interested in causes and not just symptoms. I'm trying Effexor XR, which made me really quite loopy for the first several hours, like I'd been up for 24 hours without sleep and started to get really punchy and wacky. There's still more than a bit of that left with my mood going thither and yon, but it seems to be getting more manageable. (Being unemployed and uninsured makes going to a shrink even more interesting, but I'll save the fiscal/insurance rant for later; that said, if any of youse merkins know of decent/cheap health insurance that covers psych visits, please let me know.)

Once again, thank you all for your kindness; it's helped (and is helping) me greatly with a tough situation.


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