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moof's prattling


December 17th, 2001

biidddibiddiddbidibdiibdibidibddibiddbiddibibidididddidibib. @ 04:24 am

Current Mood: thirsty thirsty
Current Music: Eno/Cale, Wrong Way Up, Lay My Love

I almost always post before I go to bed, as it seems to be one of the few times where I'm tired enough to relax and just write and not worry excessively about getting my prose or cadence or content 'just right'; I really hate to have things that are semi-permanent (like journal entries) looking all messy or ill-thought-out or mispeled or the like. (IRC is different, because it's all ephemeral.)

My sense of vocal cadence seems to get better at night, too; I get more into the flow of intra-line rhythm and pacing when I'm tired. (I also sometimes think about writing poetry as well, so it's a mixed blessing.) In fact, I tend to do a lot of my sustained efforts at work best when it's past 2am and I'm tired and want to go to sleep but have an even larger urge to finish up what I'm doing and just get it done.

My pet theory for why this is so: I can't relax, so I have to get tired to 'let go'. I quite probably have ADD; this would explain why I've felt slow and relaxed under the influence of Ritalin and other relatives of the ephedrine family. It's rather nice to have the hamsters in my head stop running around and around in their wheel and take a break and go sunbathing or the like. (Why I'd have a sun in my head for hamsters to bask in, I don't know. Sounds vaguely like something out of my dreams.

Sigh. I was going to rant about my social obliviousness, but I'm not making enough sense to write about that currently; oh well, it'll give me something to do at work tomorrow.

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Date:December 17th, 2001 10:43 am (UTC)

social obliviousness?

Date:December 26th, 2001 12:32 am (UTC)
I have ADD, and yes, your hamsters sound too familiar :-)
I analogize living off medication akin to being a hummingbird. I was always buzzing busily about, and spent so much effort to get to point X because I just could not fly a straight line.
The medication's effect (I'm on adderall) is to suddenly still the wings - suddenly I don't have to flap a zillion times each second. I just glide where I want to go.

Little personality bits have fallen away. My impulsiveness, my quirkyness, my eagerness to amuse and create diversions are lost. My budget it happy.
You should go in for testing and see what comes of it. In the normal scenario, the testing is a significant investment. You'll start with a psychologist, who'll refer you to a tester, who'll spend 4-6 hours testing you. Then you move onto the psychiatrist.

Good luck.

moof's prattling