I went out twice this weekend! Two days in a row! I think that's a new record since.... Japan, maybe? I probably did something in SF two days in a row, but I can't remember anything for sure. Unfortunately, both times were kind of lackluster; petting a cat just wandering around was probably the highlight of the weekend. Not only am I trying to get used to Chicago again, but the sorts of clubs and events and gatherings and whatnot I'm used to from Tokyo and SF either aren't here or are hiding more successfully than my searches have revealed. There seems to be a lack of weirdos around, or perhaps more accurately the culture surrounding weirdos; everything seems more mundane or homogenized. I suspect part of this is due to the rent being so damn high; despite empty storefronts everywhere, commercial rent continues to climb and those are shitty conditions for renting out a warehouse and just doing crazy shit.

I also realized that in wandering around that not only did I have anhedonia, where I don't really get a lot of enjoyment out of doing stuff, I also have a tremendous lack of satisfaction from doing many things - and that's probably one of the deeper causes of the former. Although the klonopin makes me sleepy as fuck, it's also been really helpful in making the emotional monkey in the back of my head clanging its cymbals nonstop to slow down or occasionally be quiet, making it easier to figure out wtf I'm actually feeling other than anxiety or panic.

The biggest problem I face is "What now?"; I feel like Buridan's ass. Small bits of gardening and enjoyment at seeing the fireflies at night ain't cutting it.

This entry was originally posted at https://secretagentmoof.dreamwidth.org/8202.html. Please comment there using OpenID.