grand moof tarkin (moof) wrote,
grand moof tarkin

I moved to Boston in Fall 1992 for a couple of reasons. The most overt one was going to school there, but one of the major contributing factors was that there were a lot of people I casually knew online, and who I thought I would end up being closer friends with. This did not end up being the case at all; while I got to know a few people (and still keep in touch with one or two), I ended up being fairly socially isolated. This is due to, amongst other things, severe depression and being even more naive and socially awkward than I am now - but maybe also due to expectations that just didn't end up being realistic.

I'm now wondering if the same might be, in part, applicable to my return to the Bay Area after living overseas. I see almost none of the people I thought I'd pal around with; many have moved out of the area entirely, many are close as the crow flies but far in practice, many because the amount of time transit would take freaks me out, sometimes because I can't get out of bed in the morning (or afternoon, or evening). Work took far more out of me than I thought it would, but depression and social anxiety add immensely to the barrier energy required to go out and do stuff. I had greatly overestimated the ease of public transit and underestimated the utility of having a car or scooter or whatever - and hip/heel issues didn't encourage me to walk around much, either.

Quitting my job has helped a little bit; I don't get unprompted suicidal ideation every couple of days at random, so that's nice - but there's still a massive undercurrent of sadness, unease, and alienation. On one of the rare days I went out, there was a punk flea market thing at one of the local clubs. Interesting vendors, nice music, crowds of people who looked like I should be friends of friends with them - and yet I felt like I didn't belong there at all. Riding the bus back to the apartment, I wondered (not quite aloud) what I was doing living here; not that I'm not working, I don't have a good answer.

The latest wrinkle is that my mom suddenly went into the emergency room and had surgery for a stomach ulcer; my sister says that mom is hale and recovering well, but I'm still not reassured. That I'm now at the same age where my mom saw her mother start to develop severe Alzheimer's has been weighing on my mind quite a lot. I suspect I'll stretch out my Xmas visit longer than originally intended, at least in part to decide whether I'd want to move back to Chicago or not, and how well I could deal with it.

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