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moof's prattling

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July 29th, 2016

more of the same @ 02:25 am

The other day on the bus, I had to consciously exert control not to rock back and forth in my seat from stress and anxiety; given that my repression of such spergy expressions is so ingrained and automatic, especially where anybody might see or hear them, it's disturbing that it almost got out without me noticing. There's no mystery what's going on: work has been stressful and awful, and has been for quite a while - not due to my boss (who's quite understanding and sympathetic to being burnt out), but because I see dumpsters all around me getting loaded up with tires and gasoline, with little I can do to try and sway people into possibly not doing that. Multiple shitstorms on the horizon with few ways to affect the outcome does not my anxiety quell.

That some of my teammates are just blithely doing shit and seemingly phoning it in ain't helping, either. Nor is the cresting of a major depressive episode. Or the multiple anxiety dreams that've made me wake up due to the terrifying notion that I've unintentionally and unknowingly either let somebody down or made them feel bad. None of those things generally cause me to break out in pimples, or make me (literally) sick to my stomach; yessir, that's stress, all right.

The most terrifying notion is if I quit, what the fuck do I do after that? Am I in a state of mind where I'd be willing and able to get another job in the area, assuming I want to stay in tech? Or do I pack it the fuck in, bid adieu to San Francisco, and move away with little likelihood to return? (It was hellish enough getting an apartment here in 2011, and it's even worse and about twice as expensive now.)

And, as always: what do I want to do if and when I grow up? Assuming I can actually do what I want?
 
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From:chipadeedoodah
Date:August 2nd, 2016 12:22 am (UTC)
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That sounds like a lot of change all at once. What do you need for support right now?
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From:moof
Date:August 12th, 2016 10:28 am (UTC)
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I've been rolling this around in my head since you posted. It's a much harder question than I thought it would be, not least due to my roiling emotional state(s). My tentative conclusions:

* Sanity checking. When I get burnt out, depressed, anhedonic, or all of the above, I find my chains of reasoning to be more suspect than usual; given that my theory of mind is, shall we say, a bit different than the more neurotypical version I need (or crave, at least) more feedback than most.
* Engagement. I get feelings of alienation really quite easily, and any kind of negative mood greatly magnifies them. (The causes and context of such would take quite a while to get into, and are things I'd be hesitant to put online, but the abbreviated version is "sperginess, heightened awareness of such, and chronic depression".) So, if you have thoughts on what I say - please say 'em.

There's also the question of what support I need and/or can get for myself, but that's even more complex.
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From:moof
Date:August 12th, 2016 10:29 am (UTC)
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(After thinking about it for two weeks, you'd think I'd come up with something longer or more insightful, eh?)
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From:chipadeedoodah
Date:August 15th, 2016 11:17 pm (UTC)
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Not necessarily. Sometimes hard, right answers are still short answers.

I'm happy to engage with you on whatever level and in whatever form is most comfortable, given the limitations of geography. :)

moof's prattling

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