November 12th, 2003

purple again

panicy kernels

I went up to the city this evening for a viewing of the pretty damn awful movie Star Crash to celebrate the delightful subtly_modded's birthday. Bunches of people I know and like (and hadn't seen for far too long) were there, and much fun was had by all.

That said, I was feeling sorta strange before the movie started, for no particular reason I could discern. Eventually I figured out that I was observing my own social behavior and was weirded out by how different it was than everyone else's. The movie started before not too long, however, so everything was fine. Afterwards, though, the strange feelings returned pretty quickly. People were chatting with each other, talking, and so on, and I felt completely at a loss as to what to do - if I should attempt to strike up conversation with people or something. I realized then that this was a very typical behavior/feeling for me, and I simply hadn't noticed it before. I was going to go home and crash, but I then realized I had no idea how I was going to bid adieu to the crowd. I started to get distressed and panicy at the distress, but as other people were also leaving, I grabbed on to their coattails and bid farewells and made it outside to my car without breaking down.

It was especially disturbing because these were people I've known, liked, and chatted online with for years and they were about as comfortable a social group as I can get. My psych diagnosed me with Asperger's Syndrome about a month ago, and while I knew that I had a lot of the behaviors - avoiding people's gaze and/or staring at them too intently, uncomfort in large social groups, poor ability to make conversation, not knowing what to do as the focus of attention - I hadn't realized they were quite that heavily ingrained and that they manifest even with pretty close friends. I hadn't realized quite how intimidated I get by socializing. I don't know how many more personality surprises I have in store for myself.

  • Current Music
    Underworld, Dark and Long