grand moof tarkin (moof) wrote,
grand moof tarkin

State of the moof: 40.

My thirties seem to have been about my emotional ups and downs: it started with "watching my 30th birthday go crashing down into flames and making me feel rather suicidal despite/because of some of the people in the room with me"; a high in the middle, moving to Japan and being happier than I'd been in quite a long time, despite the lack of usable psychiatric care; another nadir close to the end with Google and London making me suicidally fixate damn near every day; GTFO of London and Google and finally traveling around Europe for a bit; emotional recovery at my parents' house in Chicago, letting the deep wounds scar up some at least, and getting to spend more time with my sister and her husband than I had in quite a long time; and finally moving back to the SFBA, whence I hung out with Tinny et al for a while and then starting at Twitter.

My forties, however, thus far seem to be about physicality and mortality and fun shit like that. I've been sick more often in the past year with a nonstop series of colds than I think I've had prior in my life. I found out that the pains I'd had in my heel were not, in fact, gout - but instead, an 18mm long heel spur that I'd managed to break in two places. (Oh, and plantar fasciitis.) My lower back has started to give me a bunch of issues (a trait from the maternal side of the family, it appears), my gout seems like it's coming back, and I've now had the second occurrence of some weird stomach/bowel issue that has me lying immobile in bed for a couple of days. (Need to go see a gastroenterologist for that, and I have a chiropraxy appointment for Tuesday.) My sleep schedule is pretty much the absolute pits. I've realized I probably need more sun than I've been getting, and I'm cold a not small amount of the time (and the wolves are out to get me, awooooo!) I find myself wondering if I need to move, at some point, back to the South Bay or one of the sunnier parts of Oakland to get my photophilia on.

Physical health care, incidentally, is one of the reasons that - as much as I'd really like to - I don't think that I'd be able to justify moving back to Japan without winning the lottery of some kind (state or IPO, I'm not fussy): I've been seeing the docs a lot, and it's hard enough to find non-nutter doctors over here where I speak the language natively. There's also that job thing, that lack-of-degree thing, the not-speaking-the-language thing, and a buncha other crap. People near and dear to me make concerned noises about their own long-term plans now that they're getting older: will they be able to afford to live in the Bay Area; will they become cat ladies; should they move somewhere cheaper even if it means moving away from family, chosen or otherwise. I have to wonder about the same sorts of things (except for being allergic enough to cats that the 'cat lady' thing seems safely avoided.)

Part of this goes back to not knowing wtf I want to do when I grow up; doing technical work for technical work's sake is increasingly less fun; I suspect that, were I to stay in this field, I'm probably going to have to go into management at some point - or at least, to a higher-level of abstraction than I'm currently at. This scares the willies out of me in some respects; Yahoo! was so incredibly political about everything that my own terrible abilities to pick up on the undercurrents of things (helloooooo, Asperger's) makes me second-, third-, and quadruple-guess my aptitude for management. The damnedest thing about it, though, is that I really do prefer working with people - that is, in IT-centric tech work, with social goals being the focus - than I do for production infrastructure work, with the focus on more technical "I need forty machines to process the blarghqueues with a minimal amount of latency" goals. If I don't stay in tech work, then I figuratively throw my hands up in the air; I'd probably have to go back to school and get a degree or something. If that's the case, library science or teaching of some sort (e.g. English to non-native speakers, programming for poets, etc) seem like they'd be relatively appealing. Those sorts of gigs are usually much more 9-5 than I'm comfortable with for various reasons (night owl, ADD, sleep issues, etc).

In short: buh, stupid mortality and meatsacks and money and shit like that.

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