grand moof tarkin (moof) wrote,
grand moof tarkin

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indolent daze

I spent this weekend not doing much of anything; Saturday evening I went to a housewarming where my mood went from OK to amazingly depressed and eventually back up to good. (Yessir, I'm your factory-direct connection to emotional stability.) Today I slept lots, played more Diablo II, and went back over to Clarence Street where geecat gave me a very thorough deep-tissue massage. (It definitely was not the relaxing kind, but my muscle knots generally laugh those off. I'll have to book him again Real Soon.) Afterwards, the huddled masses watched Donnie Darko.

Now that I've got the whos and whats done with, time for the whys: I have big fears that sometimes I'll open my mouth and say/think something that my friends will find loathsome, repulsive, or just plain hurtful - or along the same lines, that my point of view is something hateful and foreign to be castigated and I ought to be shunned. I managed to evoke that at the party while talking to a friend, and that pretty much guaranteed that I'd be in the massive downward spiral of depression. It'd be bad enough to do that to someone who didn't matter to me, but to do that to someone I care about... that's pretty much the biggest blackest pit I can dig myself into.

I wish my moods would find something new and different to fixate and dysthyme about.


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