grand moof tarkin (moof) wrote,
grand moof tarkin
moof

"The Talk"

The boss called me in to have The Talk today. In particular, about my attitude. It seems my negative attitude has been noticed, and he's concerned. While I told him about some of the major contributing factors - that the work is completely different from what I'm used to, that I have difficulty gauging what my progress is or isn't and what's important or not, that my mentor and I are about the worst possible match, and that I'm acutely aware of how fallen behind I am compared to the rest of the team, I couldn't find a good way to casually drop in "Oh, yeah, and I've been in a major depressive episode since starting the job, with suicidal ideation for the past month." While I saved bursting into tears for after the meeting, I have no idea what kind of signals I was giving off.


I've given a serious amount of thought to up and quitting, breaking my lease, and moving back to the US somewhere. I have ten days of vacation in two weeks, though, which might ameliorate things a bit. When I get back, I'll be seven months into the job; maybe that would be enough to be able to transfer elsewhere within the company. I don't know. I'd really like to not dread going to work, to do something I enjoy, and to do something constructive rather than just babysitting a bunch of whiny programs of which I'm completely unqualified to do anything about. Not having daily thoughts of offing myself popping unbidden into my head would be nice, too. (At least they don't dominate my thinking like they did when I was living on Pastoria; as bad as this period has been for me, it's not the worst.)

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  • (no subject)

    I've been meaning to post my "decade in review" and "thoughts about my japan trip, redux" and "update japan travel recommendations", and even started…

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    I've been in Japan for a week now, and I'm getting used to how things work again. I hadn't spent any appreciable amount of time on my own here for...…

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