out of sorts, again. @ 12:18 am
It's not as if I didn't have a pretty decent weekend - the seder at JD's was quite the good and community-building time (although people went home kinda early), JD and I got a bunch done on Saturday and bought stuff for our camp, and I got to RPG on sunday (but I was kinda surly, and wanted to get out of the house more.)
But somehow... this evening I had a meeting discussing plans for Yet Another live-action game. I felt strange and surly and increasingly out of sync, increasingly disconnected as the evening went on. I didn't seem to get my intents across very well, nor was I able to voice my concerns about not wanting things to repeat as in the last game effectively. I started getting big doubts (again) about wanting to continue my involvement as things polarized on the ted/james axis (again) and I really don't feel like I care enough or want to put in the emotional energy to fight things out.
I then went off to my car (in a different direction as everyone else) and felt kinda unnoticed/ignored, drove home, and read about the horribly fun weekend that people had: a party that one friend was supposed to give me info/directions to (but didn't) that other friends were also at (who didn't invite me this time). People talking online earlier how they were so hard-up - they hadn't had sex for nearly a WEEK - also decided to come flooding back into my head.
I've been dissatisfied with work, unhappy with where I live, unconnected to my friends, surly, out of sorts, and fighting off depression. If I could cry, I would, but I can't. (I can't because the self-control/clamping down that I've inculcated in myself for the past 27 years to keep myself from acting hyper and to be able to deal at least slightly with normal society also prevents me from letting down my emotional barriers even when I want to.) I don't feel like there's anybody I could or can talk to, emo and irrational and stupid for feeling like this, and fear that people are going to pair/group off again and I'll be by myself. again.