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moof's prattling


April 2nd, 2002

out of sorts, again. @ 12:18 am

Current Mood: angry/depressed
Current Music: World Party, Bang, Is It Like Today?

As they say, you need to take your medication every day, not just the bad ones. In this case, it's St John's Wort and I've been on the verge of a depressive funk for about a week and a half now, but it's never manifested itself as just a seething anger before. I'm oversensitive to everything, I'm (irrationally) angry at others for not understanding or excluding or something, and I'm furious at myself for not being able to do much about it and knowing that I oughtn't to be feeling this way.

It's not as if I didn't have a pretty decent weekend - the seder at JD's was quite the good and community-building time (although people went home kinda early), JD and I got a bunch done on Saturday and bought stuff for our camp, and I got to RPG on sunday (but I was kinda surly, and wanted to get out of the house more.)

But somehow... this evening I had a meeting discussing plans for Yet Another live-action game. I felt strange and surly and increasingly out of sync, increasingly disconnected as the evening went on. I didn't seem to get my intents across very well, nor was I able to voice my concerns about not wanting things to repeat as in the last game effectively. I started getting big doubts (again) about wanting to continue my involvement as things polarized on the ted/james axis (again) and I really don't feel like I care enough or want to put in the emotional energy to fight things out.

I then went off to my car (in a different direction as everyone else) and felt kinda unnoticed/ignored, drove home, and read about the horribly fun weekend that people had: a party that one friend was supposed to give me info/directions to (but didn't) that other friends were also at (who didn't invite me this time). People talking online earlier how they were so hard-up - they hadn't had sex for nearly a WEEK - also decided to come flooding back into my head.

I've been dissatisfied with work, unhappy with where I live, unconnected to my friends, surly, out of sorts, and fighting off depression. If I could cry, I would, but I can't. (I can't because the self-control/clamping down that I've inculcated in myself for the past 27 years to keep myself from acting hyper and to be able to deal at least slightly with normal society also prevents me from letting down my emotional barriers even when I want to.) I don't feel like there's anybody I could or can talk to, emo and irrational and stupid for feeling like this, and fear that people are going to pair/group off again and I'll be by myself. again.

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[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 2nd, 2002 08:10 am (UTC)
Hey, Tom.

I'm very sorry. I was desperately but unsuccessfully trying not to shut you out, and not to get into another obsessive little four-hour argument with James. I super-super loved what you had to say at the meeting, especially about maximizing real-life convergence and physical representation, and I'm sorry I didn't communicate it well.

Ha! While reading this, I was wondering what the RPG was you did on Sunday, and wondering why you hadn't mentioned it before. I was there, too, huh? Sheesh.

I know what you mean about the uncertainty about the Unknown Armies LARP. After the horrible first meeting, I wasn't sure I wanted to do it, myself. (You'll notice I did very little homework). If it ends up not happening, or if someone decides it's not their bag of pasta, that's okay, I think.

[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 2nd, 2002 08:24 am (UTC)

...but it's never manifested itself as just a seething anger before.

Ah, babe.
I know, having been there, that there is probably nothing I can say or do to help.. except say that I know where you are coming from, and offer reassurances that it won't last forever.

As for the anger.. I've found that being angry is usually preferable to being depressed, because then the need to act.. be it cleaning, driving, playing billiards or laser tag, at prevents me from curling up in the house and weeping.

Don't beat yourself up for the way you feel. Chemical imbalance or not, they are you feelings, and therefore legitimate.


[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 2nd, 2002 09:50 am (UTC)

I feel your pain

Having recently started to take anti-depressants again to fight off my depression, I totally understand what you're going through. It's a shitty, shitty thing.

Unknown Armies LARP will be a lot of fun, I think. I certainly felt better about this meeting than I did the last. I agree with Ted, that if it doesn't happen then hey, it doesn't happen. Equally, if anyone thinks that it's not their sort of thing, well, that's cool too.

I guess what my two disjointed paragraphs are saying is that I felt that the UA larp idea, along with everything else, would suck ass through a used straw. But, as I start to come out of the woods of my depression, I'm feeling better about it, and I think you will too.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 2nd, 2002 10:17 pm (UTC)
You might want to consider taknig 5htp in conjunction with the St. John's Wort, because I've found that the SJW is really mild on it's own, but combined with 5htp, it helps a *lot*. Good luck.

And, you can contact me anytime you want.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 4th, 2002 01:30 am (UTC)
Please don't forget that you do have friends, and we like you, and we'd like to be there for you if we can help out at all. I may not know you all that well, but I do feel that within your often stoic shell lies a deep, intense, loving person and I wish I could lift that shroud of depression that sometimes suffocates him.

moof's prattling