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moof's prattling

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April 8th, 2007

state of the moof @ 01:27 pm

Current Mood: cranky cranky

Before I get to my normal scheduled rambling, first some things about how Aspies (in general, and me in particular) deal with emotional expression.

I've been told that I'm a "low expresser" - that is, that I don't tend to emote very obviously, or in copious amounts. If I seem kinda standoffish, that's probably one of the big contributing factors. In a similar vein, if I'm quiet around people, it doesn't imply that I like or dislike them - just that I don't have anything to say (and possibly that I haven't picked up on the "oh, I'm supposed to exude friendliness right now" cues.) On the other hand, if I'm chatty with people - or, goodness gracious, initiate (purely social) conversation, it's a good sign I like them.

As far as talking about my emotions: when I do so, it's almost always a statement of fact and not intended to elicit sympathy or whatever else. It's often very specific, too; "I'm angry that you did foo" doesn't mean that I'm angry at you, merely that I'm pissed that foo happened. (If I were actually angry at you, I'd say "I'm angry at you for..." - assuming that I'd even mention it in the first place.)

So, then: I've been in one of my depressive funks for the last month or thereabouts. Why I'm depressed, I don't know; it's extra annoying right now because there's all sorts of social crap going on that I'd like to participate in, but just can't deal with at the moment. Dealing with people, even though I quite enjoy being social, is draining at the best of times - and when I'm depressed, it's really hard to deal with. (That I go into withdrawal, thus helping perpetuate the depressive cycle, doesn't help at all either.) I've been amazingly awful at responding to email, LJ comments, et al; with luck, I'll be able to clear out the queue in the near future.

And in the spirit of that pagan fertility thing that I hear is going on today:


 
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(no subject) - (Anonymous)
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From:moof
Date:April 9th, 2007 02:29 am (UTC)
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While it may be "reasonable", it's certainly not how most people work - and definitely not how most people perceive things. Cue ensuing misperception, hilarity, etc.
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From:iphy
Date:April 9th, 2007 04:53 pm (UTC)
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I don't tend to emote very obviously, or in copious amounts. If I seem kinda standoffish, that's probably one of the big contributing factors.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, particularly regarding the SubG. He can be very animated sometimes (as can you), but he very rarely expresses emotions. I think, in his case, it has a lot to do with him not really being very emotional, and a little to do with him being a reasonably private person so even the things he does feel emotional about, he doesn't share. The first statement is also true of rth, although his reasons for not sharing have more to do with a general lack of a need to talk just because he is thinking/feeling something.

Interestingly, different people can find one or the other of them standoffish; but rarely do people have the same reaction to both of them.


In a similar vein, if I'm quiet around people, it doesn't imply that I like or dislike them - just that I don't have anything to say[....] On the other hand, if I'm chatty with people - or, goodness gracious, initiate (purely social) conversation, it's a good sign I like them.

Both statements are true of both rth and the SubG. The SubG is actually better at social situations and picking up on social cues. At home, he's more likely to decide not to play the social game and so choose to ignore some of those situations or cues. But, at other people's houses or if we have a lot of folks over who are not considered well known friends, he can be very good at socializing. So, he can be chatty sometimes even if he doesn't like the person with whom he's interacting. In one of those things which seems backwards but isn't, he is most likely to to drop social pretense with you the more he feels he knows and/or likes and/or respects you. So, he's likely to be harder to talk to the more he enjoys talking to you. Well, that would be the general you not the specific you, since that dropping of the social pretense is probably very comfortable for or not noticed by you in particular.

With rth, though, it is very much the case that he is chattier with people he likes, and more likely to initiate a conversation if he's with a small group of people he likes. While he talks a lot now compared to when I first met him nearly 20 years ago, he is still pretty quiet compared to most folks. He just does not feel a need to talk, in general. And he's perfectly happy to sit and listen whilst other people do the talking work. People often mistake his quietness for him not enjoying himself. It took my mother a long time to get used to it.

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