grand moof tarkin (moof) wrote,
grand moof tarkin

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malefic spirits, redux.

My reply to my friend who asked if I'd
[E]ver considered yourself to be posessed? You have always seemed to me, especially lately, to be posessed by a malefic spirit.

I've spent the last few days considering this; my answer to this would be "probably not". If anything, I've got the Family Demons or my elder sister's soul is tied up with mine. Both sides of my family have shown lots of traits of unfocusedness, rage, inattentiveness, and so forth; there's definitely precedent for that sort of thing. On the other hand, the death of my older sister has profoundly affected me in ways I can't even imagine; it's irrevocably tied up with who and what I am. I've told you about her, right? Christine was born in Oct 1967, and my mom was taking her home from the hospital, holding her in her arms, when my parents' car got hit by a drunk driver. Mom lost some of her teeth, and Christine was killed. Parents suck into nasty deep depression for about three or four years, solid; the way they've described it, they very clearly remember the first time after Xtine's death when they really laughed. My middle name is Kristian, but my mom swears up and down that it and Christine have nothing to do with each other. Uh-huh, right. So, in short, depression and haunted memories of death have lingered over me since before I was born. In some ways, I'm probably the embodiment of my parents' first daughter. Explains some of the issues nicely, eh? Still not decided if it's true or not, but it's a good first try.

I've had the very initial Reiki attunement; I couldn't tell a damn thing from it. I looked into the history of it for quite a while, and was amused to see that most of the 'modern' goop accompanying it - the drawing of characters in the air and so forth - wasn't actually practiced by the guy who came up with it. A few of the people I know who're into Reiki and soforth are now into VortexHealing (R). No idea how it's supposed to differ from Reiki. Swirlier, perhaps. I certainly ain't opposed to trying to be attuned or attempting to Make It Go; however, I haven't had any luck with seeing it successfully operate in action.

Your views on religion, love, and connectedness sound almost gnostic in some ways, Zen in some others, with a dose of animism thrown in for good measure. My approach to such things these days is mostly intuitive, with cognition thrown in to evaluate how soundly I think things fit into the rest of my worldviews (and to reconcile my thoughts with reality.) I'm not as purely intellectual as I used to be, not by a long shot; the past three to five years have been rather tumultuous for me, and I've done rather a lot of soul-searching and introspection. I'm still trying to get the self-reconciliation stuff down; I still feel guilty as fuck when I fail to do things that are extremely difficult for me - such as going on, changing my routine, talking (in person) with unknown people, etc. Having the diagnosis of Asperger's has helped in that it softens the blow a little; I no longer think (as much) that I'm to blame for my weak spots.

When I said that we'd diverged, it wasn't in the sense that we'd become radically different people; it was more that our expression of selves has turned out to be fairly dissimilar. The vast preponderance of similarities we (still) have make those differences all that much more interesting to look at. Good ol' compare and contrast, dontcha know. All things considered, I'm happier with who and where I am now than when I was a kid. That sucked a lot.


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